How can 'The Art of Subtle Feedback' help your child grow into an emotionally intelligent person?
"Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them."
— Lady Bird Johnson
Children are receptive beings, akin to sponges eagerly absorbing every droplet of their surroundings, regardless of its purity. Their absorbent minds make them highly attuned to the environment they inhabit, with parents and teachers serving as their primary influencers. As a parent, it is essential to recognise that your opinions and feedback significantly shape their self-perception. The impact you have on them is profound, to the extent that constantly labelling them as "dumb" can lead them to internalise this belief and subsequently exhibit corresponding behaviour.
Giving feedback to kids is one of the trickiest jobs. It is like walking on a tightrope; good feedback motivates and inspires them to work hard. While harsh, critical and condemning feedback can make them under-confident, they spiral into self-doubt and negative inner dialogue. As a parent and a teacher, bringing positive and pleasant feedback to children is essential. This process allows them to grow positive qualities such as courage, creativity and individuality.
"Children enter this world like blank canvases, their consciousness untainted and pure, ready to be shaped by their experiences and environment."
A recent study
Relational psychoanalysis emphasises the mutual influence between individuals and focuses on understanding how early relational experiences continue to impact an individual's current functioning.
Recognising children's growth through minor setbacks is an essential process of nurturing. Parents, therefore, must learn to adopt a positive attitude while attending to their children when they undergo such moments in life. By doing so, a child can cultivate resilience, perseverance, and the determination necessary to overcome obstacles and ultimately refine their skills, thus progressing towards mastery in their chosen discipline.
Here are some insights into children's skill development and recognising the consequences of harsh/ignorant feedback:
Children, regardless of their skill level, often exhibit an innate drive to progress. Even at a young age, they intuitively understand that the journey itself holds more joy than simply reaching the destination. However, a single negative feedback from an adult can profoundly impact their perception of the skill acquisition process. It can disrupt their confidence, causing them to become hesitant and anxious, ultimately hindering their progress.
For instance, if a child receives feedback such as, "I see, this drawing is not great. You can do better," their focus tends to shift towards achieving perfection. This pursuit of flawlessness can lead to frustration, resulting in a loss of confidence and, ultimately, a propensity to quit or give up on their endeavours.
"The feedback can always be loving, constructive, warm, and subtle."
As a parent, you must:
- Focus on the efforts a child has put into things rather than the results.
- Understand them on an emotional level, connect with their dreams, desires and aspirations, and allow them to flower through.
- Encourage self-reflection and problem-solving through fun journaling.
- Learn to recognise your old and repetitive habits.
It is crucial always to think the best of and for children as they are deeply connected to your being and have an inherent ability to comprehend your true intentions.
"Children are not things to be moulded but are people to be unfolded."
— Jess Lair, author
